school refusal

​Information and Tips for Parents
If your child is refusing to leave the house, the following advice applies.

• Do not use force. There must be an agreement from the child to go to school. Therefore, there needs to be an acceptance that the child will either be very late or will not make it in to school at all that day. The priority in this moment is not school. The priority is the relationship of trust between the child and parent. Force will break that trust, and long term, the attempts to school refuse will not go away. By staying calm and supportive, it is far more likely the issue can be resolved (maybe not on the day itself, but gradually)

 

• Do not threaten authority e.g. police, “I’ll go to jail if you don’t go to school etc.” It is ineffective and increases anxiety. It is also untrue. School attendance is a legal obligation, but there is a big difference between working collaboratively with the school and other professionals (Educational Welfare Officers)  and Neglect. Instead, be firm but calm “I understand you’re anxious, but as a parent, I have to bring you to school, and my job is to help you get there.”

 

• Seek medical advice to rule out any medical/physical cause

 
 
 

• Inform the school that your child is school refusing so that it can put plans in place to support you and your child for when he or she returns (either later in the day or the next time they attend)

 

• During school time, make life boring for your child at home: no tv time, no phone, console etc. Turn the wifi off if you have it. These activities are far more fun than being in school. If home is a fun, relaxing place during school time, then why bother with school? If it is the case that you need to leave for work etc. , the same rules must apply to whoever is looking after your child, wherever they are. Managing school refusal is never a one parent job. Get support from family and friends.

 

• If not attending school (or attending on a reduced day), it is recommended that your child gets up at the same time and gets into the school uniform as usual. They must sit at the kitchen table or somewhere boring and complete some school work. (This work can be suggested by the class teacher and supplied by your child’s sibling/ school friends or by HSCL coordinator if you wish).

 

• Continue with routine. Make them go to bed and get up at the same time every day (even weekends) so that they have a secure framework to live around.

 

• Don’t interact with your child too much at this time and try to keep to a school timetable. One to one attention from a parent can be rewarding too. No fun stuff like trips to see friends (applies say during school inservice day etc.), going out shopping or tv at break time. Keep the routine of the school day. Normal day routines can return after 2.40.

 

• Reassure and encourage your child. The adults job is to help them reframe their negative thinking. E.g. “It’s normal to feel nervous because it means you are preparing”, Further guidance on how to talk and listen effectively to anxious children can be found in the book “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. If you are to read one book on speaking and listening to an anxious child, this is it.

 

•  In the midst of tension and high anxiety, the adults job is to calm it all down.  Pause more, let the heart rate come down. Don’t engage with the anxiety or it will spiral. Instead, tune in, express empathy. Model for the child how to do this (not just in moments of crisis, but throughout the day even when things are calm. You might have to pretend you’re agitated about something but it doesn’t matter. What’s important is that they see you use relaxation techniques effectively. They are more likely to use them too.

 

• Become a solution detective e.g.”You’re struggling to come to school, let’s examine why.” This type of conversation is not very effective in the heat of the moment. Instead, have it in times of calm over a hot chocolate when the two of you are bonding. Pause often. Don’t rush to offer solutions. By pausing longer than you would ordinarily think, you are giving your child to process their own solution. And if they come up with their own solution, they are more likely to follow it through. Some examples

 
-the work is too hard……I know I’m worried about the work, but I can ask for help. Lots of kids ask for help
-no one will play with me…… I’m a good person. My friends will be glad to see me back. I can be kind to others
-I miss my mam/dad……..It’s ok to miss mam/dad. When I go to school, they will feel proud.
 

• Tell them that they are brave for going to school. Although their friends might find it easy, they have a private battle they have to fight every school day. Each time they battle this fear, they get stronger. Tell them you are proud of them for being so brave.

 

• Encourage your child to find things they can enjoy in the school day, chatting with friends, favourite subject, PE, break time, home time.

 

• Explain that their fears are brought on by thoughts that are not always true thoughts (STINKING THINKING)

 

• Deal constructively with family concerns and parenting issues (see supports page)

 

• Problem solve ways to make school easier e.g. later arrival, meeting a safe person at the school, being in a support group in the school, break cards to use during the day, having a responsible job in the school, invite friends home, friends doing homework together, friends walking to school together etc. Share this information with the school.

 
 

• Another approach, is required is a Community support approach- This is an approach where a group is formed to help the child. First, the child is asked who he or she would like to be in the group. (friends, parent, teacher etc.) Next, pupil and parent meet with a lead to plan the approach. HSCL coordinator can take on this role. Next, with child, compose a positive invitation for everyone to come to the group. Invite participants. At the meeting, all participants can offer suggestions on how to help.

 
 
*This information comes from the National Educational Psychological Services handbook called “School Refusal- Good Practice Guide for Schools”. Additional material form Parents Plus Programme, John Sharry.